Red Alert
10th Mar 2017, 1:39 PM in Ch. 31 - A Symbol of Trust
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Author Notes:
Rain's feelings mirror my own quite a bit. I was at one time hesitant to talk to anyone about anything relating to my being trans. Even people who I knew would accept me or could help me. But going out at any given time, I agonized over whether I passed or not. No one would even say anything; I would be sensitive to every little glance that lasted just a second too long. Or assume if someone is laughing, it HAD to be at me. Maybe everyone can see right through me and just isn't saying anything. I 100% understand and support anyone who would want to be stealth, but after years and years of trying to be that way, I just can't do it. All it does is feed on my low self-esteem and send my already bad anxiety through the roof.

In hindsight, becoming visible was probably a gradual and unconscious process for me. When I realized what I was doing, it felt very sudden and it weirded me out, much like Rain, but the signs were there that I'd probably been going that way for a while. I also realized I hadn't been as anxious lately. I wasn't self-loathing as much. Someone could look in my general direction without me fearing the worst and wanting to just burst into tears. It was a relief to not feel like that. It was strange, and an adjustment, but it also felt right. More natural than what I'd been trying to force myself to do all this time.

After all, I know what I am. I'm a woman. And whether people know that I'm also trans or not, no one can ever take my womanhood away. They might laugh, or try to insult me, or try to convince me that I'll never be "real", but those people's uninformed opinions don't matter. I know what I am. I don't care if they "don't agree" with my identity. I don't need to prove it, and I don't need anyone's permission. And for what it's worth, my voice is iffy, I still have to shave my face everyday, and I'm well aware I DON'T always pass for any number of reasons. But I'm still a woman, so who cares if people know I'm trans too?

That's what's comfortable for me. I want to stress that I'm not trying to convince anyone to drop their stealth because it's worked wonders for me. No, we're all different. The point is: I'm doing what feels right to me, so you do you. That will always be my stance. If you want to be visible, be visible. If you want to be stealth, be stealth. If you want to be kinda halfway open with select people, go for it. As long as you're not hurting anyone, you do whatever you need to for you.


That was more than I expected to say. I guess I just wanted to get that out. Especially before we go into hiatus mode. I know, I know. But I want to use this time to FINALLY get Volume 4 out. Also, I want to attend to some things going on in my personal life right now. The goal is to be back before March is over. It could be sooner or later this month depending on how things go (and I'll keep you posted), but I'll definitely be back with more new pages (three days a week) before this month ends. ^_^

Rain, all characters and all other aspects of the story are copyright material belonging to me.

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User comments:
Lemonado Girl
Happy Puddle is adorable~

Honestly, the concept of hormones affecting my emotions makes me really want them right now, it just feels like I'' only capable of feeling anger or fear at the moment and the only semblance of happiness I ever feel is with my bf which is becoming much less common now. Anything I would do for fun now just ends up making me frustrated in some way or another, and all I want is to just be able to break down and cry but I can't because the emotions for it just don't exist anymore.
Sir Hugsalot (Guest)
You need a hug hun *hugs*
What you're describing is chillingly familiar. Pre-HRT I was almost completely numb, dead inside even. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Hang in there. I know how much it can hurt to need it so desperately while it's still just out of reach. I do hope you get them soon...
Confidence... that is something I never really had. Today marks 1 year of HRT for me, and holy hell at how much has changed in a year. I'm not just talking physical changes (though those are nice too) I'm talking mental, I'm calmer, I'm confident, and I'm personable now... it's weird but at the same time, nice...

Also, I now have a boyfriend! Something else I never imagined I would ever be able to say. To say this year has been eventful is an understatement, and I can't wait to see where I am in another year!

And I look forward to buying a copy of volume 4 for my collection! Take your time and try to enjoy the breather.
DramaDork (Guest)
Ayyyyyyeeeeee congrats on one year!!!!!
Cutie Cakes (Guest)
Aww Feeling self confidence is the best thing for you Rain it shows your finally happy with who you are XD

On a side note I have my first therapist visit on March 16th I'm so excited I'm almost walking on the ceiling lol
Noticenverz (Guest)
First! Jk
so i am glad we have a bit of resolution before the hiatus. Have fun, Lynn! We will miss you and characters but it's just a short while. I think we can handle it. We are big boys and girls and enbys, i think so i think so. As for Rain, this really is a concern for her, i think the story is really a story of her becoming more confident.
I can't personally imagine being anything other than totally stealth everywhere else aside from anonymously on the Internet. My friends are awesome so I know they wouldn't abandon me for being trans, and I know fully well that I'm a man no matter what anybody else says. But since I've moved, nobody knows, and I kind of prefer it that way. I'm just cis to everyone. I'm a guy like I'm supposed to be, and there's no uncomfortable feelings or awkwardness about anybody else's ideas that I might be anything other than 100% guy. Their doubt wouldn't take my manhood away from me, but it would just add unnecessary difficulties to relationships in my life, the way I see it. If they just see me as being the way I was supposed to be born without any qualifiers, I view that as a win.

No shame for anybody who feels otherwise, of course! Just be as much yourself as possible in the safest way you're willing to restrict yourself to. Whether that's stealth, or totally open, or somewhere in the middle.
Callisto (Guest)
Nobody can ever, *ever* begrudge you that.


Me, I'm out and proud. Sometimes it's in subtle ways like wearing my trans pride earrings, but sometimes it's in big ways, like marching in protests or doing talks at the LGBT center.

The point is that we each have to walk our own path. Nobody can tell you exactly how to walk yours, and if someone tries to? Honestly? That is probably a toxic person and they have no right to do what they are doing.
Ron (Guest)
I agree. I'm stealth most of the time, but it's just as much because it doesn't come up and it's not relevant as it's unnecessary awkwardness. I am not inclined to mention it to anyone unless it becomes really relevant. (Marriage and medicine, basically.) The other things I am are way more important to my relationships with other people. Weird medical things aren't something I would normally discuss with coworkers and this particular one is no exception.
Fox (Guest)
I'm going to my 3rd week of therapy next week, out of the required 3 months for my insurance. Hopefully I can be on testosterone in the near future. I can't wait!
Long-Time Lurker (Guest)
"It's not like I'm going to come out to the whole school or anything."

I'm calling it now: Rain will do exactly that on the day of her graduation. (After getting her official diploma, of course.)
I was debating on whether to come out at work today, but many of my office mates left early today since they've got kids and Spring Break is starting this weekend here. So, maybe another week.... I can identify with Rain on the confidence is strange and foreign thing though... it's happening to me now too
Samantha (Guest)
Jocelyn, this. This was my entire transition, after living in stealth even from myself (I basically tried to deny my trans feelings), and becoming so angry and depressed that I nearly tried to kill myself. When I finally was out, I was shocked to find out that practically nobody cared. People on the street either didn't notice, didn't mind, or didn't care. In any case, my whole impression of "Look at her, she's (trans)! Get her!" was completely bogus.
I've been on testosterone for almost three weeks now, and though I can't really tell, by mother likes to tell me that I seem a lot more confident than I used to. I talk to people I don't know easier. I walk and stand with better posture. I can just be myself more. I wore a short-sleeved shirt in school and my friends made a joke that I "actually had arms" because I was so much more confident. And it really is such a strange and foreign concept. But it feels so nice at the same time.
Megan (Guest)
This is something I can't even say out loud, but I'll say it here. I think I might be transgender. I was at an event Friday night where I was required to dress up, and every time someone told me I was pretty or complimented my dress, something inside my chest hurt. I tried to figure out why that was, which lead to me thinking about how I'd told my girlfriend (who is trans) that I'd switch bodies with her in a heartbeat if the tech were available. I remember how uncomfortable I felt when my breasts began to develop. And I'm afraid, because I have so many trans friends and I've seen how hard their lives can be. I don't want this to be true. But I think it might be.
Kelabeth (Guest)
*hugs* I remember that feeling. It's scary AF and you've taken a big step in even saying in this forum. What I hope you can see from the other commenters here, and in other places, is that the trans community takes care of our own. You will have support, people will have your back. Yeah, being trans is shitty. But being trans and not dealing with is deadly. Hang in there, and know that many of us are holding space for you, and sending love and light.
Drew (Guest)
I agree with @Kelabeth. The Trans* community takes care of their own. Not to mention, having Trans* friends (probably) makes it a lot easier since you have people to talk to. I don't have any Trans* friends, I don't even know anybody who's Transgender, and I've only ever spoken directly to another Trans* person in real life...once. But it's got to be nice to know other Trans* people.
JaxRhapsody (Guest)
I figured there was something like that about Ana...also thought she was Shady as fuck. Now she has Rain all up in arms. I'm not certain I even like Ana like for real.
Vanya (Guest)
Jocelyn, do you still publish Rain fan-art anywhere? I've recently stumbled upon a forgotten Rain drawing I did that isn't too shabby and I also might have another one lying around that might be worth of posting.
DandelionWishes42 (Guest)
*explodes with all the good feels I'm trying to send to Emily and Rain and Puddle and Jocelyn and Lemonado Girl and Reimi and Sir Hugsalot and Azure_Jorie and DramaDork and Cutie Cakes and Artorigus and Noticenverz and Callisto and Fox and Ruth and Long-Time Lurker (epic name :P) and BillycannotFly and Samantha and bgb16999 and and Megan and Kelabeth and Drew and JaxRhapsody and Vanya and all the peoples. . . .* Congratulations on all of your celebrations and I'm proud of all of your courage and please hang in here through the hard times . . . I'm so happy each of you are here. :)
DramaDork (Guest)
Aww thanks!
"Confidence is so strange and foreign to me..."
How much has that line resonated with me since I first read it on the back cover of Volume 5... I never had an ounce of self-esteem over the years, and discovering as an adult that I was trans only made me shrink away from the unaccepting world around me even more. But since finally coming out, getting on HRT and slowly learning how to eschew my fears of how I'm perceived and presenting myself more as the real me, there's been this dual effect of increased happiness plus confidence in myself. It still feels so weird to me though, being such a new experience to have after 4 decades. Liberating yet scary.
Confidence is still foreign to me too

1. Ch. 23: The Flaherty Siblings
2. Ch 14: No More Fake Smiles
3. Ch 5: Cordially Invited
4. Ch 4: Not the Same
5. Ch. 28: Love, Trust, and Respect
6. Ch. 27: Same Girl, New Look
7. Ch 15: The January Girl
8. Ch. 19: Vincent's Story
9. Ch. 24: Of Cons and Kisses
10. Ch. 26: Cut
11. Ch. 29: Transitions
12. Ch. 21: Valentine's Day
13. Ch. 20: Just a Quiet Weekend
14. Ch. 31 A Symbol of Trust
15. Ch 13: Togetherness
16. Ch. 30: Little Victories
17. Ch. 17: Journey of 1,000 Miles
18. Ch 9: One Week
19. Ch. 18: Sunny
20. Ch. 16: The Exception
21. Ch 12: Drab
22. Ch 11: Big Brother
23. Ch. 22: Valentine's Night
24. Ch 7: Mixed Feelings
25. Ch 10: Friendship
26. Ch 6: Fallen Angel
27. Ch 2: Secrets and Lies
28. Ch 3: Normal People
29. Ch 1: The New Girl
30. Ch. 25: Wings
31. Ch 8: Confrontation