I've only been full time about two months now, but I've already had that bit happen where someone says my deadname and I didn't even realize they were talking to me.
I'm jealous. I've been out for years, and nobody has called me by my deadname in forever, but I still jump a bit whenever I hear it said around me, haha.
I've been transitioning since 2012. And I still look up if I hear my deadname being called out. 100% of time, it's just some mother trying to get the attention of their kid or something. It's never actually for me. But I sure do get tripped up by it every time. ^^;
Thankfully, it's not really a source of discomfort for me anymore. I usually just laugh at myself because no one's called me that in nearly a decade at this point, but I still can't seem to fully disconnect from it for some reason. Some things are just so ingrained, I guess. XD
I started in 2011 8D Well, I 'started' sooner but 2011 was when I finally got on hormones and went full time for the last time (there were other attempts haha).
I have the same thing, I hear it, I look around little, then realize even my highschool friends I still have don't call me that, and I laugh it off a bit. It helps that I never really hated or had negative feelings to my deadname, it just didn't fit anymore.
I'll never be able to fully escape from my deadname (firstname) since I repurposed it as my new lastname, lol! As a child I was called by my middle and firstnames together.... Rudy Neal, and after discovering and binge-reading all of Rain at the very beginning of my transition, I knew my new name just had to become Ruby Neal. My new middlename of Ruth was the very first girl name I was given when I had my big epiphany at age 8 in 1970
I kinda got lucky with mine. I've always gone by either Nic or Nicky, so the switch to Nikki was almost insignificant. (I literally never use my full legal name for anything except legal documents, and when I'm ready to change it (Probably in a couple of years, since I'm literally not even as far as Rain is (But further than Ryan)), I've already decided on Nicolette. With my middle name switching from my maternal grandfather's middle name, to my paternal grandmother's name, Carol (Or the long version, Caroline. I haven't decided yet)
My deadname technically is gender neutral so I made it my middle name as a stopgap in attempt to get my parents the at least get down with pronouns and I could brush it off to people who don't know as "they always use my middle name for some reason". It did not work, but at least it helps with proving who I am in the rare chance I have yet to change my name in some database.
I've got two deadnames (long story) and my department has a person with each of them. So when I hear someone mentioning either of them I always thing "are they talking about me" for a second.
I've been out for about a decade, HRT for almost 2, I recently chose a new middle name so I could keep my old initials of JTK , Jamie Tiffany K , but because I kept a J name I still panic a little hearing my dead name. I also haven't legally changed my name yet so I still have to use my dead name for doctors and whatnot
Oh yeah. My friend was talking to me about this contractor she hired to remodel her kitchen. When she realized that his name was my deadname, spelling included, she hesitated and explained it to me and asked me if it was ok to speak that name because she was only talking about him. When she said it, I was hit with momentary stun, but it wore off quickly. I remembered that there are so many people with that name, and that it's not legally my name anymore so I was instantly fine with it. She told me later that she was worried that I would freak out about it or something.
Skip to a couple weeks ago when my own mother said to me that even though she likes my new name, she wished that I had kept my old name. "Well, there are women that go by [deadname]." ... ... ... ... ... Huh?
Heh, meanwhile I've got the exact opposite experience. Kept my name with a gender flip. After seeing an amazing character on TV with a name that regularly got shortened to a valid nickname for me, I spent months as a kid forcing everyone to use the androgynous short version since I hated how the full version felt. I finally come out, mum suggests I change my name completely because people will only see the old me.
My sister and I came out as trans in opposite directions to each other at the same time. For a while we talked about just switching names so that if one of us was deadnamed the other could just respond instead. Like "oh, you were talking to me???" Eventually we decided it would be too confusing, though.
Hahahahaha. This reminded me of Maia Kobabe's graphic novel "Gender Queer," where e says "I want people to be confused about my gender at all times." The idea of keeping people in confusion every second of every interaction just tickled me
Hey! I didn't think about this at first, but Vincent's also here for Ryan! There's actually a lot of transmasc's at this party (Ryan, Vincent, and Ky), Rain's probably the least exciting person Ryan's gonna meet today lol
Like, obviously, if a genderfluid person doesn't want the label they don't have to take it, but a genderfluid person's gender is at least sometimes different than the one they were assigned, and that's definitionally trans.
And just because Ky shows up in girlmode doesn't mean they're not going to have stuff in common with Ryan to talk about and share. It's hardly like all their experience with boymoding just evaporates when they're in girl mode.
While I don't think they officially have met, I'm certain Ryan will remember Ky... It is of course the person who approached Rudy about switching attire at prom... And Rudy did ask his permission before doing that, to which I seem to recall Ryan asking him how many trans guys he knows....
I'm mildly genderfluid, mostly neutral, and I object to being classified as trans... because I think it belittles the emotional difficulties that people like Rain go through.
I've had gender dysphoria... once it lasted almost an entire hour. That DOES NOT COMPARE to living with it day after day, year after year. I don't want to pretend it's the same, and I wish other people wouldn't use terminology that suggests it's the same.
Counterpoint: Not all trans people experience dysphoria.
For what it's worth, it's been to my understanding for years that people agree usually genderfluidity falls under the transgender umbrella. I don't have much of an opinion on the matter myself, but I'll say it doesn't bother me as a trans person. I can definitely see the how it relates, and I've personally noticed a fair bit of overlap in other people.
Some trans people don't have dysphoria. Some genderfluid people experience a lot of dysphoria. Some genderfluid people might not opt to take hormone therapy or have any surgeries, but some might. Likewise, not every trans person wants to transition either. And I've known lots of people who will explicitly say they're both trans and genderfluid. All I'm trying to say is everyone's unique - with different wants and feelings - and I don't think that necessarily precludes anyone from being what they say they are.
I don't know if genderfluid should or shouldn't be classified as trans, but I wouldn't consider it to be a problematic distinction myself. At least, that's my stance. :)
My deadname happens to be shared by a member of my board game group. It was awkward when we shared it, but now it's like "oh, they're not talking to me" 🙃
aaaah i've experienced the whole "picking a new name that happens to be a friend's deadname" thing and it felt really bad at the time because i had no idea
Given that the rest of present company already know, I’m kind of hoping Rain feels comfortable to come out here and just explain the situation because then Ryan will have his first friend that he’s aware is also trans like he is since he the original reason he came out to Rudy was because he thought Rudy was trans
I don't know if this is a just me thing but if I ever decide to change my parts I'll keep my name the same even though it's not gender neutral in the least. I like my name. And am not particularly concerned about people telling me their opinion on what I should do. Then again, misgendering is pretty common for me. Well, I don't identify as anything so would gendering me be misgendering? I have no clue. I don't particularly care what people call me. Though when people ask if I'm male or female I tend to just say "I have a vagina if that's what you're asking" and if they clarify and ask what my gender identity is I tell them I don't have one. Gender identity is a concept I doubt I'll fully understand. I just kinda go with whatever the person tells me. Though I struggle with using the word they to refer to one person. Personally I wish there was a pronoun specifically made for gender neutral people. But when I state this people say they don't want a new pronoun and prefer the pronoun they, I don't quite understand. Using they as a pronoun is very confusing in conversations cause unfortunately people don't give proper context. For example, I had someone point at a group of people talking and said "they wanted to go out to eat" and when I said "how are they all gonna fit in your car" the person responded "it's just that one, they go by they". I don't have a problem with having preferred pronouns it's just incredibly confusing for me and I can't even get my husband's pronouns correct half the time. Like, I didn't understand gender when I was taught pronouns so my brain links feminine to she, masculine to he, and androgynous to it. My husband happens to be rather feminine so he gets she'd alot. He doesn't have a problem with it though. He says pronouns are just there so you don't have to repeat a person's name every time you refer to them, as long as the context is right he knows I'm talking about him. Sorry, insomnia is kicking my booty so here's my 4am train of thought from one who struggles with understanding human culture. Not meaning to offend anyone, I'm just a little dumb when it comes to labels in general.
Funny enough i actually just met someone a few months ago because he had my deadname. Since it was an uncommon boys name it kinda threw me off when i heard his friends talking to him (Even though i havent used it in over 20 yrs now) and I randomly decided to tell him everything outta the blue. He turned out to be a cool guy, very accepting, genders me correctly and uses my name right, and we became friends because of it, then i became friends with all of his other friends too.
One small commonality led me to making over 12 friends, all cause i took a chance on trusting someone over something as small as a discarded name.
I've been transitioning since 2012. And I still look up if I hear my deadname being called out. 100% of time, it's just some mother trying to get the attention of their kid or something. It's never actually for me. But I sure do get tripped up by it every time. ^^;
Thankfully, it's not really a source of discomfort for me anymore. I usually just laugh at myself because no one's called me that in nearly a decade at this point, but I still can't seem to fully disconnect from it for some reason. Some things are just so ingrained, I guess. XD
So really, Rain should be happy about this! Not that she probably knows that.
I have the same thing, I hear it, I look around little, then realize even my highschool friends I still have don't call me that, and I laugh it off a bit. It helps that I never really hated or had negative feelings to my deadname, it just didn't fit anymore.
Skip to a couple weeks ago when my own mother said to me that even though she likes my new name, she wished that I had kept my old name. "Well, there are women that go by [deadname]." ... ... ... ... ... Huh?
Sheesh.
Like, obviously, if a genderfluid person doesn't want the label they don't have to take it, but a genderfluid person's gender is at least sometimes different than the one they were assigned, and that's definitionally trans.
And just because Ky shows up in girlmode doesn't mean they're not going to have stuff in common with Ryan to talk about and share. It's hardly like all their experience with boymoding just evaporates when they're in girl mode.
I've had gender dysphoria... once it lasted almost an entire hour. That DOES NOT COMPARE to living with it day after day, year after year. I don't want to pretend it's the same, and I wish other people wouldn't use terminology that suggests it's the same.
Counterpoint: Not all trans people experience dysphoria.
For what it's worth, it's been to my understanding for years that people agree usually genderfluidity falls under the transgender umbrella. I don't have much of an opinion on the matter myself, but I'll say it doesn't bother me as a trans person. I can definitely see the how it relates, and I've personally noticed a fair bit of overlap in other people.
Some trans people don't have dysphoria. Some genderfluid people experience a lot of dysphoria. Some genderfluid people might not opt to take hormone therapy or have any surgeries, but some might. Likewise, not every trans person wants to transition either. And I've known lots of people who will explicitly say they're both trans and genderfluid. All I'm trying to say is everyone's unique - with different wants and feelings - and I don't think that necessarily precludes anyone from being what they say they are.
I don't know if genderfluid should or shouldn't be classified as trans, but I wouldn't consider it to be a problematic distinction myself. At least, that's my stance. :)
And Rain's reaction is great. XD
One small commonality led me to making over 12 friends, all cause i took a chance on trusting someone over something as small as a discarded name.