Comic 746 - Confidence

21st Oct 2015, 3:19 AM in Ch. 27: Same Girl, New Look
Confidence
Average Rating: 5 (5 votes)
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Author Notes:

Jocelyn 21st Oct 2015, 3:19 AM edit delete
Jocelyn
Beware! Longest blurb ever! XD

Suddenly Emily (with convenient belly-blocking action)! :D

I think I've said the "confidence is the most essential tool for passing" speech a few times before in comments and replies to individual people. But I believe so strongly in this concept, that I really wanted it to be said in canon.

Story time: When I first started out, I was clocked by everyone immediately. Even if I managed to be in someone's presence passing for a couple minutes, it never lasted. See, I was ecstatic to be dressing the way I was, but my body language was telling the world around me that I was uncomfortable because no matter how much I wanted it, it was still strange and different to me. The fear of being unable to pass was ingrained in me and made me feel vulnerable.

And as a result, I stared at the floor so no one could see my face. My movements were stiff as a board. My voice was especially shaky and overdone. Whether they consciously realized it or not, people picked up on that. From there, some people intentionally gawked because they wanted to know what I was hiding. Some people probably meant well, seeing I was feeling off and trying to figure out how to help. And some people started feeling guilty because they'd think they were making me uncomfortable, only for me to unwittingly out myself by insisting they did nothing wrong. The whole thing was a mess. I sucked at passing.

In recent years, I've gotten better about my presentation, which made me more confident, which allowed me to pass better... which made me more confident... which made me better about my presentation. It's an nifty little cycle. By now, my movements are very fluid and natural, my voice is pretty good (in short stints), and I present myself like I've got nothing to hide, because I don't believe I do have anything to hide. And after all that, I choose to be visible anyway - which for me is empowering and raises my confidence all the more (because I feel like I have more control over my identity).

For what it's worth, I'm still a shy, awkward person, with social anxiety, low self-esteem, and a somewhat debilitating fear of crowds. But despite all this, I have confidence in WHO I am. I can always say to myself, "I know who I am. I'm a woman. I'm Jocelyn. No one can take that away from me." My general fears and anxiety and awkwardness remain, but at least I know I'm a woman. And when I came to the point where I started knowing I'm a woman - rather than hoping people see me as a woman - I began passing better and more frequently.

Everything else (hair, face, body, voice, etc) is less important than simply believing in yourself. I know how campy that sounds, but I so strongly believe this to be true.

So, getting back to Rain, Emily's point is very valid. Rain is super uncomfortable with her appearance, and it's apparent to everyone that she's uncomfortable. She's getting quiet/agitated when people criticize. She's hesitant to accept compliments. She's showing no pride for her look (which, who can blame her? But it makes everything seem all the more questionable).

What Rain needs, more than anything right now, is something to build her confidence back up again. That'd go a long way to help her right now. Her friends and family supporting her is a good start. But what Rain really needs right now is for Rain to support Rain.

But what could achieve that for her...?


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Comments:

steveha 21st Oct 2015, 3:56 AM edit delete reply
I did not know this usage of the word "clocked". I looked it up on Urban Dictionary:

"for a transgendered person or transvestite to be found out. Typically used when a trans person is trying to fully pass in a gender among people who are unaware the person is trans. Used for either gender."

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=clocked&defid=4884301
Jocelyn 21st Oct 2015, 4:09 AM edit delete reply
Jocelyn
@steveha

Sorry. As a trans person, it's just a common term in my vocabulary. I forget not everyone knows these terms sometimes. ^^;

But yes, "clocking" is basically when someone discovers that a trans person is trans without being explicitly told. The other common term I'm familiar with is "being read". I've found throughout this chapter so far from reader responses, that different trans people seem to use different terms based on location, so for all I know there may even be more. But clocking just seems to (generally) be the most used term I know.
Zi 21st Oct 2015, 6:25 AM edit delete reply
I've known about that definition, but I had friends who played Halo, who referred to the act of instantly killing someone with a melee attack to the back of the head as "clocking" someone too... It adds some immediate impact to that phrasing!
Mina 21st Oct 2015, 12:49 PM edit delete reply
Maybe Emily was trying to "clock" Rain in the fourth panel. :p
Ciary 21st Oct 2015, 2:47 PM edit delete reply
Ciary
to be fair, I didn't know what clocking was either.
but in context, it was clear to me what jocelyn meant.
T-Dog 21st Oct 2015, 3:41 PM edit delete reply
Same here. I got it due the context. I have always heard it as "being read."
Zoey 22nd Oct 2015, 4:07 AM edit delete reply
It's always been "outed" for me.
Jocelyn 22nd Oct 2015, 9:27 PM edit delete reply
Jocelyn
@Zoey

Being "outed" is more deliberate. Like saying to someone, "Did you know _____ is trans?" It can be with or without permission, but the main distinction is that it's intentional. Like how Rudy ran back to Gavin and Maria to tell them the new girl has "junk". Rudy outed Rain here.

Being "clocked" is more like figuring out that someone is trans on one's own without being told. From there, once clocked, a person could then out them (if they're a jerk), or keep it to themselves. Like how Emily put the pieces together about Rain without anyone explaining it to her. Emily clocked Rain here.

The difference is subtle, but they're not really synonymous.
Zoey 22nd Oct 2015, 10:48 PM edit delete reply
Well, if it wasn't intentional I just called it accidently outed <3 :P
Zi 21st Oct 2015, 6:28 AM edit delete reply
All this commentary, I second. Believing in yourself, by which I mean, knowing and being comfortable in your identity, will also help others to believe in and be comfortable around you.
Mina 21st Oct 2015, 1:15 PM edit delete reply
If a certain ship sails, Rain's confidence will probably skyrocket! ~
Endo-san will probably improve her confidence as well, but she musts wait two weeks... Which is very long if she's uncomfortable.

She needs Gavin too. If a friend completely ignore her, it'll be harder for her to overcome this.
Dream of a Pebble 21st Oct 2015, 8:06 PM edit delete reply
This is really a difference in emphasis and not substance, but I'd rather say that the key is being comfortable with oneself. If you feel you are who you are, others will catch on. And of course you'll be more confident too. ;)

In Rain's case, she had just got used to who she was, and then Kellen decided to make her into something that wasn't her (along with giving her an overdose of self-doubt and feeling powerless).
Sarume 21st Oct 2015, 8:40 PM edit delete reply
" But what Rain really needs right now is for Rain to support Rain.

But what could achieve that for her...?
" Not a question only for Rain but a question I find myself asking me a lot.
Lemonado Girl 21st Oct 2015, 10:31 PM edit delete reply
Somehow I feel as though if the Railimy gets the canon, her self confidence will improve markedly.
j-eagle12212012 22nd Oct 2015, 11:12 AM edit delete reply
j-eagle12212012
I agree that Rainily would make confidence go up
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